College Life 101

This past week started my new life. I am on a new adventure, starting a new life. I am on the start of a new stage of my life....college. The once sheltered girl from a small town, is now a college student living on a campus. It is liberating, freeing. The first day was different. Adjusting to the different social dynamic of the college atmosphere was so far different than anything I had known and been accustomed to.  The first night, I got very little sleep. I was feeling what a normal Freshman would feel, homesick. I was more annoyed than anything that I had to leave everything I knew behind and start fresh. Why couldnt I just bring my home life with me? Then soon after, paranoia kicked in... What if I am not remembered when I come home? What if my friends get new friends cooler than me? What if..? What if..? Change is always hard for me and I did not adapt well to it. Being an only child, sharing a room and space was always something I heard my friends talk about. I had never realized that this would become a reality for me. Change sucks, though it is a part of life. And just like everything, this too shall pass. And it has. My temper tantrum ended and I became content with my new home. The work is hard and the classes are long but the people on campus are supportive. I know that my home is never leaving and will always be there when I am on breaks. I have learned not to worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will take care of itself. I am taking it one day at a time and realizing that I am happier when I dont worry about what the future holds. For now, I write this at the end of a good day. I have accepted change and realize that it is merely a challenge. A challenge I must take on. A challenge I will survive and win!

The run I must walk

Flashback 9 months of training. All that preparation and hard work has come down to this moment. The future outcome rests on my shoulders like pillars holding up a building. This is the moment. I have started my run. I have worked for this. I am ready. It is the half point of my run. I keep pushing through-push on. Up ahead I see the end. It is as clear as day and so close to almost touch. But just as a kid is lured away by candy, I am driven away. One day of rest help me continue on. It will be alright. I rest up ready to push on and finish my race. As I continue on I realize the harsh truth. My day of rest did not advance me forward but more or less set me back. Just as the walls of a temple collapse in, the weight of the world was on my shoulders. It is as if I was the temple, slowly deteriorating to dust. I am lost, trapped, confused. My focus was clear. My path was straight to the end. How could i be so dumb? How could I let this happen? I have forgotten myself and my future. I have failed myself. I am broken. I was so close. Like a balloon you hold at a fair that slips out of your fingers, my hopes slipped away. There is nothing more I can do. I have tried to make it right. All I can do now is pick myself up and walk the rest to the end. Actions have consequences. I am broken and can't run anymore. I will finish my race but like the remnants of a building after smoke resides, I shall never forget my actions. I shall never forget the pain of truth.

Was it fate?

So yesterday I went back to Nichols college to meet my classmates for the upcoming year and class of 2016. We were told to assemble into the cafeteria to hear a guest speaker. As I walk into a cafeteria of 1,000 people, I spot this one person. I get closer and I realize it was my old best friend from preschool and elimentary school. Without knowing it, our worlds collided and we reconnected. I had my best friend back. I get to start of the year knowing someone! Was it pure luck that I happened to spot him? I think fate was pointing me in his direction, saying, "you're welcome!"

Thank you for the music

I hear music everywhere in my life. My music I heard today was through a motivational speaker, Dewey Bozella. His story runs deep and starts from his youth. He was convicted of a crime that he did not commit. His music or story inspire and translated to my life . I realized that all the things that can happen in life we need to put into perspective and realize that everything happens for a reason. Fear can hold us back or lead us to realize what we are capable of doing or becoming. It can be our barrier or our obstacle, but we choose what we make it become. Get did not conquer in his life and he stayed true to what he believed and conquered. He proved to the world that anything is possible. It will not be easy, but determination will lead you to your victory. So, Mr. Bozella, I thank you for the music. You came I speak and without realizing it, your music came and impacted me. To never give in and never give up. Maybe my music will inspire someone just as you did

Beauty in the breakdown

If you could take an eraser and erase all of your problems, imagine how much better life would be. But in essence, it wouldn't. I have found erasing my problems doesn't permanently make them disappear, because someone can redraw them. It's avoiding what gets to you is what's bad. If I am constantly running from my problems, I will never have a moment to enjoy, appreciate, or remember. Time will be flying before my eyes, and although it's cool that time stops, I would never want it to stop forever. So in essence, I am thankful of the imperfections and mess-ups in my life. They create new and beautiful things within me. Because there is in everything, beauty in the breakdown.

The missing puzzle piece was you

You know that moment-that AHA, This is what I was missing! It was right in front of my face and I didn't even realize it. Well I got that when Mike came along. He gave me my mojo back. I was missing something and through him I found it. I lost myself; my true identity and I lost hope in everything. I am ever so thankful that he came into my life and that i can call him my boyfriend. God puts people in your life for a reason and I firmly believe that he was sent into my life to bring me back to the right way. I had lost myself and he helped me realize who I was and who I really am. I thank God every day for Mike. He makes my days a little bit brigher. ♥

Tell me you love me, Liar

So I am confused and hurt. My boyfriend, or who I thought was, has been a liar all along. He told me him and his ex were done an I believed him, until someone told me they are still together but fighting. My dignity has reached an all time low. I feel used and thrown out. Is there anyone I can trust? I let my guard down for a minute and I get stabbed in the heart. I earnestly believe that everything happens for a reason. In this case it is to show me one less guy that I know will not be my true love. So he can tell me he loves me and then go and leave me. That piece of my heart I gave away I can never get back, never undo the things I did. Gosh when will my prince come?

An inspiration

Life is a mixture of sunshine and rain. Laughter and pleasure-teardrops and pain. All days can't be bright but certainly it's true. There was never a cloud the sun didn't shine through. So keep smiling beside you. Secure in the knowledge that GOd is beside you. And your days when you smile will be brighter and all your burdens will be so much lighter. For each time you smile you will find its true. Someone somewhere will smile back at you. And nothing on earth can make life more worthwhile than the sunshine and warmth of a beautiful smile!

A guy who likes a girl who likes a guy

Why can't relationships be easy?? I have learned some interesting facts about guys. First they are fragile and really go through pain in breakups but they are also persistent when it comes to getting a girl. I also learned they are oblivious. The guy I like has NO idea I like him, yet the rest of the word sees how obvious it is. Then this kid likes me, but I don't like him. I don't want to break his heart, so I pulled the "just friends" on him. He is persistent in winning me over. I was watching friendzone and got inspired. Maybe, I should just tell him the truth. If he is my true friend, he will understand. We all need to take risks in life. I need to get out of the friendzone. I am going to tell him the truth and hope for the best!

My day in one word: crazy!

So today I went to the human bodies exhibit in NYC. It was so interesting. I went to dialogue in the dark and I honestly look at the world differently now. The experience of being blind was eye opening. I also had an experience getting there. Our driver turned on the heat and instead of opening a window, he opens the door! So then we got pulled over and in NYC we got lost and did so many illegal u turns an do not parks. Also the potty door was broken and would not lock so it kept swinging open on the bus. He was a bad driver...maybe bad enough to make the news!?!

Game changer

I went to a basketball game tonight to support Nicara. I knew nobody goes to the games, however I had no idea the amount of impact it would have not on her, but also on the team. One player told me showing up proved that someone believed in them besides their parents. Someone WANTED to be there by choice. It's crazy how you can change the lives of others just by doing a nice gesture. Although we lost the game, we won in the long run. We got our confidence back and I got the opportunity to impact someone. I have a feeling going to love basketball!!....

From the lines of my diary

Feelings overwhelming, stirring in my mind. I feel freer but still holding back. The hardest part is admitting to myself how distant I have gotten from you, family, everything. It's crazy how the little things in life can still you and how unimportant the others things are. I know I have needed this- to feel free released. I'm ready now for change and it's going to feel amazing. This will bring me back to the ones I love. This is going to be good for me and make me stronger. I have a feeling everything's going to be alright!

Slipping through my fingers

The whole college process is so overwhelming. The reality is that I fell out of love for a college. Of course this would happen to me. Just when I fall out of love for a school, my parents fall head over heels. Why do you ask? Becasuse they really want me. They are giving me many opportunities and such. I know I should be happy, but I can't, knowing my dreams are slipping away. And this school does not compare moneywise. I'm usually a just go with it kinda girl. Thinking about the future is freaking me out. It used to just be an idea; a dream. Now it actually matters. I have to know what I want. I only get one shot, so I have to make it right.

Hard work doesn't always pay off

Midterm week. Last few moments to cram all of the ideal information into your brain before you take the test. Cram- that's the key or is it not. I realized I put all my energy into trying to ace the midterms I neglected my family.. And I got called out for it. But I was always told this is the deal breaker. You have to do well, so colleges will still want you. I have enough stress in my life, to hear that didn't help. I guess I won't be surprised if I do poor. Karma is on my family's side and I don't feel too good. I feel the anxious butterflies in my stomach and also just really low. I suppose, we shall find out tomorrow.

I hate a boy who likes kittens

I am disgusted and enraged. The level of disrespect that this generation has for girls is unbearable. To be called a name such as a pussy is degrading and flat out disrespectful. A term that men use for a prostitute or a toy. It is amazing how men think they "own" women. After being called that, I honestly feel morally and physically disrespected. Some guys are jerks and I will not stand for that again. I may be the one who is more like a guy because I have the balls to stand up for myself. If he continues he will never know the experience one can achieve being in a stable relationship with a person. Sucks to be him.

Reality check-part 2

It is already midterms... Geez. Half way done with senior year. Momma always told me to hold onto each moment and treasure it. She wasn't kidding! I wondered how different life will be when I leave. I am going to miss Lindsay and Nicara so. Those girls are my life! Gosh so many crazy times with them! They are like my sisters, especially Nicara. Nicara gets me on a different level. She can connect to me in family style and she has gone through same situations as me. She can look at me and know what I am thinking. That is a true friend! I will definitely miss her, but also my "sister" Lindsay. We have gone through everything together. We have been friends since we were 7 and plan on staying friends until we either get sick of each other or grow old and die. We were stuck at the hip and college is the first time my other half of me will be gone. Before we part our ways, we must share one more special moment together. Graduation night.

Reality check- part 1

Back to school. Reality check: the end of this week starts midterms. Great! We were told to write a soliloquy based off of Hamlet's "to be or not to be" speech. So I wrote mine about the conflicting feelings I have about college. I never realized how crazy and emotional as well as stressful senior year would be.  I am thankful I wrote this speech, because it opened my eyes to what my future holds. I now know where I want to go. I just have to figure out how exactly to get there. Like I always say... Just go with it and see where it takes you.

Let's go Miami Heat!

So the basketball game was amazing and a once in a lifetime experience. We got to practice on the Nets NBA court before the game. We later got pretty up close and got autographs from Mike Miller and saw Dwayne Wade and Lebron James. The crowds' energy was amazing and definitely something I will never forget. It was also great to share the experience with my best friend, Nicara. Maybe senior year isn't as bad as I thought... :)

Work, stress, basketball

So yesterday, I had work. It was tough and I got stressed. Then we closed early and I heard my dad yelling all the way home and this morning. You never want to hear the words "rude, ignorant, bitch" coming from your dads mouth. It's terrible! I don't know if we will ever be on the same page. Sometimes I wish it was college already and I could just run away and not look back. Today I can because I am going to a basketball game in NewJersey.