I suppose that I really should start listening to all the things that I believe in. (as Roxette plays in the background) Although it is a cliche, lighter raising song, she does have a point. I need to start listening to my heart. I need to listen to my heart and how I feel inside. I don't ever want anyone to have to change to fit this image that I dream my perfect husband to be. One of the very few good pieces of information my grandpa ever said to me was a forward from the great Rafiki, "Never forget who you are." I don't want my boyfriend to feel like he has to change to fit the dream I have...but I am not so sure if I can date who he is.
Today, my boyfriend apologized to me. He admitted to being the Rumpelstiltskin I thought and feared he was. He continues to prove it more and more, and unlike in Once Upon a Time, I am not so sure if I can be his Belle. He cannot get beyond his preconceived fears built up inside his head and be a part of the relationship. It is hard on me for, as much as I try to be in the relationship, I feel myself pulling away. I don't know what to say for his walls may be too high and I'm not sure if I can climb them. I am not sure if I can even trust him, For example, it took him 5 minutes to explain to me that the very important person on the phone with him that he couldn't talk and was so secretive about was his brother...or so he says.
I have done a lot of reflecting today and as a woman of faith, I think I see the problem that lies in our relationship. If your relationship has no foundation, especially one with the Lord, than why are you surprised there are shaky waters? I must admit to myself, I don't know if I can identify exactly what we are founded on besides a little girls dream of a future...its only been two weeks together and I am so unsure. I now realize I should do what I should have done from the start....let the Lord lead me. Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God and my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long. (Psalm 25:5).
The best piece of information I have received all day is ironically from my not-so religious friend. She told me to pray about it and let Jesus show me if this is worth the stress..at this point I need some answers before I go crazy trying to understand. I know I have done my part, but is this coward who he is, or is he too insecure to let me see him? I hope my answer comes soon...
To say that things can change in a blink of an eye. One minute you are convinced of a truth in your head and another, your perception is flipped. I am a girl that can most definitely define and perfect the definition of hope. Hope is what kept me running when I didn't think that out of the 4,168 colleges in the country, I would be accepted to my dream college. Hope was what kept me going when my cat, Angel ran away and hope is what kept me to continue looking for her even after my mom told me to give it up. And right now in this very moment, a single text has given me hope that maybe I'm not Ana of Arrendale, but maybe I am Belle. Maybe I need to look into the heart and soul of the man that I call my boyfriend and see the beauty within that others cant see. And maybe this one text may change my whole life...or at least perspective of the night..er day? And it changed for the better.
As I sit here at work telling lousy kids to be quiet and go into their dorm rooms (for yes that is one of the jobs an RA does), I feel lonely. He isn't here and I realized that I missed talking to him. As if he read my heart, a beautiful text was sent to me stating "Tomorrow you are not working. I want to take you somewhere nice. You are a princess and you deserve it." Maybe he read my last blog and is catching on to me... Nonetheless, I realize that there is a lesson to be learned. Belle did not solely read the summary of the books that she borrows from the man at the bookstore, no. She reads the entirety of the story, never jumping to the end of the story too quickly and fully understand the context before judging if she likes it or not. In that way, I suppose I should do the same. For things are never as they seem. Someone once told me something important. Always remember that you do not need to explain yourself or prove anything to anyone. If they cannot except you for who you are, then its time to move on. I guess instead of talking so much I should be listening more. He may seem like a beast but it was evident to me today, he has a heart of gold. He is trying, and its time I give him credit. So honey, if you ever read this, thank you. Until tomorrow...
To say that the dating scene is something I love would be obvious. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not a girl that always needs a boyfriend back to back. I love the love. Its only natural. So I recently got into a relationship...and I really had this feeling like he was THE ONE. Like the prince that every little dreams about. I liked that we were friends first and then started dating. I like that he is religious...but there's so many doubts that fill my mind. I'm not so sure that he is the prince to my awesome princessness. He may be Rumpelstiltskin to my...Princess Ana of Arrendale (Disney reference). For as sad as it is, I haven't had that amazing Honeymoon stage yet with him. I haven't gotten butterflies with him yet. And things that seem obvious he doesn't do.
For example, I was quite upset because a girl called me an ugly fag. So as an average girl does, I went running to him, thinking he would cheer me up. Dreaming he will hold me and hug me and say I am beautiful and not to listen to her. But does he...no. With my friends in the room, he says Oh that's mean. I'm sorry. That's all you can give me? He's had girlfriends before so it should be a known thing when a girl is upset. When approaching him later about it too, he seemed to give me excuses, such as "We were sitting on the bed and I would've had to climb over them to get to you." I really don't know how much effort he is putting into this.
For any girl reading this, do not let your boyfriend call you pretty. You are more than that and you deserve the beauty inside you to be appreciated. Sadly, he hasn't noticed mine. I'm giving it a month...More unfortunately hilarious stories to come. In the meantime, its just me and my pillow pet, Simba. Pray for me...
