The Frozen Heart

Hello readers! I know you have missed the ever interesting life of me. Where have I been, you ask? With much meditation and self reflection, I am single yet again. I must say though that I am thankful for the ever painful experience. It has shown me what I want in a relationship and what to look forward to. He was a Rumpelstiltskin to my Snow White and if you know the story correctly, they do not fit together as a pair. Snow White....an independent strong young woman should be paired with her prince. And every girl wants her Prince Charming...not only for his looks but also because every girl just wants a man who can dance.

I have learned that you cannot force two totally different pieces together that cant fit. Forcing love only leads to pain, which if I were a puzzle piece wedged in a crevice where I don't fit, I would be in a lot of pain...and possibly claustrophobic. And yes, although I was that cliche girl that broke up with her boyfriend over the phone, it had to be done. The truth was being away from him, I didn't miss him. I didn't talk to him as much and as the days ticked on, I realized it was weighing on me more and more. Love is a feeling that when you feel it should come easily. Love should come easily and be illuminated every time you see them and in everything you do. The love for myself reigned true, but for my not so prince charming, the flame flickered weak. The truth is revealed over time to the eyes and with my rose colored glasses finally taken off, at last I see the light....er truth. (Disney pun intended). Every now and again the incident plays over in my head and beats on my heart not because I secretly love him, but I thought he liked me too. He was the Prince Hans of the Southern Isles to my Princess Ana of Arrandale. Hans used Princess Ana as a symbol and a way to capture the kingdom. He used her to gain power for himself and likewise, I was used as a way to be his confidence for which he never had.I was hurt in the process and although I have forgiven him for his wrongs, many a night I would look at the stars and wonder where my Kristoff is!  So I have swapped my rose colored glasses for a new awesome pair of shades and I am ready to hit the streets for the summer.

With the summer comes the freedom of late nights, early morning sunrises, and many many campfires. With that in my past my future lies ahead and I have learned that I need to just live in the present. I have started to read a book by Jason Evert about finding your soul mate without losing your soul. Hopefully this can give me clarity of what to look forward to in the future.

To be continued...

Rumpelstiltskin

I suppose that I really should start listening to all the things that I believe in. (as Roxette plays in the background) Although it is a cliche, lighter raising song, she does have a point. I need to start listening to my heart. I need to listen to my heart and how I feel inside. I don't ever want anyone to have to change to fit this image that I dream my perfect husband to be. One of the very few good pieces of information my grandpa ever said to me was a forward from the great Rafiki, "Never forget who you are." I don't want my boyfriend to feel like he has to change to fit the dream I have...but I am not so sure if I can date who he is. 

 Today, my boyfriend apologized to me. He admitted to being the Rumpelstiltskin I thought and feared he was. He continues to prove it more and more, and unlike in Once Upon a Time, I am not so sure if I can be his Belle. He cannot get beyond his preconceived fears built up inside his head and be a part of the relationship. It is hard on me for, as much as I try to be in the relationship, I feel myself pulling away. I don't know what to say for his walls may be too high and I'm not sure if I can climb them. I am not sure if I can even trust him, For example, it took him 5 minutes to explain to me that the very important person on the phone with him that he couldn't talk and was so secretive about was his brother...or so he says. 

 I have done a lot of reflecting today and as a woman of faith, I think I see the problem that lies in our relationship. If your relationship has no foundation, especially one with the Lord, than why are you surprised there are shaky waters? I must admit to myself, I don't know if I can identify exactly what we are founded on besides a little girls dream of a future...its only been two weeks together and I am so unsure. I now realize I should do what I should have done from the start....let the Lord lead me. Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God and my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long. (Psalm 25:5). 

The best piece of information I have received all  day is ironically from my not-so religious friend. She told me to pray about it and let Jesus show me if this is worth the stress..at this point I need some answers before I go crazy trying to understand. I know I have done my part, but is this coward who he is, or is he too insecure to let me see him? I hope my answer comes soon...

Tale as Old as Time

To say that things can change in a blink of an eye. One minute you are convinced of a truth in your head and another, your perception is flipped. I am a girl that can most definitely define and perfect the definition of hope. Hope is what kept me running when I didn't think that out of the 4,168 colleges in the country, I would be accepted to my dream college. Hope was what kept me going when my cat, Angel ran away and hope is what kept me to continue looking for her even after my mom told me to give it up. And right now in this very moment, a single text has given me hope that maybe I'm not Ana of Arrendale, but maybe I am Belle. Maybe I need to look into the heart and soul of the man that I call my boyfriend and see the beauty within that others cant see. And maybe this one text may change my whole life...or at least perspective of the night..er day? And it changed for the better. 

 As I sit here at work telling lousy kids to be quiet and go into their dorm rooms (for yes that is one of the jobs an RA does), I feel lonely. He isn't here and I realized that I missed talking to him. As if he read my heart, a beautiful text was sent to me stating "Tomorrow you are not working. I want to take you somewhere nice. You are a princess and you deserve it." Maybe he read my last blog and is catching on to me... Nonetheless, I realize that there is a lesson to be learned. Belle did not solely read the summary of the books that she borrows from the man at the bookstore, no. She reads the entirety of the story, never jumping to the end of the story too quickly and fully understand the context before judging if she likes it or not. In that way, I suppose I should do the same. For things are never as they seem. Someone once told me something important. Always remember that you do not need to explain yourself or prove anything to anyone. If they cannot except you for who you are, then its time to move on. I guess instead of talking so much I should be listening more. He may seem like a beast but it was evident to me today, he has a heart of gold. He is trying, and its time I give him credit. So honey, if you ever read this, thank you. Until tomorrow...

Prince UnCharming?

To say that the dating scene is something I love would be obvious. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not a girl that always needs a boyfriend back to back. I love the love. Its only natural. So I recently got into a relationship...and I really had this feeling like he was THE ONE. Like the prince that every little dreams about. I liked that we were friends first and then started dating. I like that he is religious...but there's so many doubts that fill my mind. I'm not so sure that he is the prince to my awesome princessness. He may be Rumpelstiltskin to my...Princess Ana of Arrendale (Disney reference). For as sad as it is, I haven't had that amazing Honeymoon stage yet with him. I haven't gotten butterflies with him yet. And things that seem obvious he doesn't do.

 For example, I was quite upset because a girl called me an ugly fag. So as an average girl does, I went running to him, thinking he would cheer me up. Dreaming he will hold me and hug me and say I am beautiful and not to listen to her. But does he...no. With my friends in the room, he says Oh that's mean. I'm sorry. That's all you can give me? He's had girlfriends before so it should be a known thing when a girl is upset. When approaching him later about it too, he seemed to give me excuses, such as "We were sitting on the bed and I would've had to climb over them to get to you." I really don't know how much effort he is putting into this. 

For any girl reading this, do not let your boyfriend call you  pretty. You are more than that and you deserve the beauty inside you to be appreciated. Sadly, he hasn't noticed mine. I'm giving it a month...More unfortunately hilarious stories to come. In the meantime, its just me and my pillow pet, Simba. Pray for me...

College Life 101

This past week started my new life. I am on a new adventure, starting a new life. I am on the start of a new stage of my life....college. The once sheltered girl from a small town, is now a college student living on a campus. It is liberating, freeing. The first day was different. Adjusting to the different social dynamic of the college atmosphere was so far different than anything I had known and been accustomed to.  The first night, I got very little sleep. I was feeling what a normal Freshman would feel, homesick. I was more annoyed than anything that I had to leave everything I knew behind and start fresh. Why couldnt I just bring my home life with me? Then soon after, paranoia kicked in... What if I am not remembered when I come home? What if my friends get new friends cooler than me? What if..? What if..? Change is always hard for me and I did not adapt well to it. Being an only child, sharing a room and space was always something I heard my friends talk about. I had never realized that this would become a reality for me. Change sucks, though it is a part of life. And just like everything, this too shall pass. And it has. My temper tantrum ended and I became content with my new home. The work is hard and the classes are long but the people on campus are supportive. I know that my home is never leaving and will always be there when I am on breaks. I have learned not to worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will take care of itself. I am taking it one day at a time and realizing that I am happier when I dont worry about what the future holds. For now, I write this at the end of a good day. I have accepted change and realize that it is merely a challenge. A challenge I must take on. A challenge I will survive and win!

The run I must walk

Flashback 9 months of training. All that preparation and hard work has come down to this moment. The future outcome rests on my shoulders like pillars holding up a building. This is the moment. I have started my run. I have worked for this. I am ready. It is the half point of my run. I keep pushing through-push on. Up ahead I see the end. It is as clear as day and so close to almost touch. But just as a kid is lured away by candy, I am driven away. One day of rest help me continue on. It will be alright. I rest up ready to push on and finish my race. As I continue on I realize the harsh truth. My day of rest did not advance me forward but more or less set me back. Just as the walls of a temple collapse in, the weight of the world was on my shoulders. It is as if I was the temple, slowly deteriorating to dust. I am lost, trapped, confused. My focus was clear. My path was straight to the end. How could i be so dumb? How could I let this happen? I have forgotten myself and my future. I have failed myself. I am broken. I was so close. Like a balloon you hold at a fair that slips out of your fingers, my hopes slipped away. There is nothing more I can do. I have tried to make it right. All I can do now is pick myself up and walk the rest to the end. Actions have consequences. I am broken and can't run anymore. I will finish my race but like the remnants of a building after smoke resides, I shall never forget my actions. I shall never forget the pain of truth.

Was it fate?

So yesterday I went back to Nichols college to meet my classmates for the upcoming year and class of 2016. We were told to assemble into the cafeteria to hear a guest speaker. As I walk into a cafeteria of 1,000 people, I spot this one person. I get closer and I realize it was my old best friend from preschool and elimentary school. Without knowing it, our worlds collided and we reconnected. I had my best friend back. I get to start of the year knowing someone! Was it pure luck that I happened to spot him? I think fate was pointing me in his direction, saying, "you're welcome!"